Aïoli for the Masses?

Couervige, 19th April 1750

Garilc bulbs“If ye think I’m weering that in ma bonnet, ye can shove it right up yer hoolies!” These were the words uttered by Private Heen MacFeegle when his sergeant major issued him with his official bulb of garlic. “It’s uh disgrace,” he continued, “forcin’ a wee lad fro’ the glens tae decorate hissel’ wi’ forrun objects!”

“Will ye cease yer prating,” replied Sergeant Major Duggan. “I dinnae like it any more than yersel’, but orders is orders and the laird must be obeyed. Get yersel’ oot o’ ma face or ye’ll be on a whuppin’.”

“But why this stuff? Are we expecting bloody bats or summat? An’ dae I weer it all at once, or bit by bit?”

“I dinnae ken, laddie. Apparently, they eat the bloody stuff in these parts, mixed wi’ some sorta yellow goo that looks like pus an’ smells worse. Ah wouldnae let it near ma haggis, for sure, and it’d fair ruin a gaed steak – it’d completely mask the subtle scorching an’ sootie buts.”

Shaking his head, MacFeegle turned on his heels and left the tent, clutching his newly issued field sign.

wild garlic

*Wild* garlic

Nearby, a purple-faced Quartermaster was screaming at an uncomprehending commissariat, whose oxen chewed the grass contentedly. “Just what about the word ‘wild’ do you not understand, monsieur? Wild! Suavage. You – were – supposed – to – deliver – fifty – cart – loads – of – WILD – garlic,” he said, poking the man’s chest rhythmically, “not this bloody smelly lumpen stuff!”

“Sauvage, monsieur?” replied the trader. “Non, certainement non. L‘ail is the most beautiful and elegant of condiments, bringing vigour to a bifstec served à point, a subtle charm to, ‘ow you say, lobsteur, a delightful immediacy to les trouffes à la Lemande, and a frisson to chanterelles au Passillon. And I ‘ave brought you ze best!”

And so it was that the Grenouissian Alliance began its odorous advance to war, trailing a perfume that could be detected to windward for fully ten miles.

8 comments for “Aïoli for the Masses?

  1. April 22, 2016 at 11:14 pm

    Grenouisse is not the only place that takes garlic smuggling seriously.

    http://www.joe.ie/uncategorized/food-producer-jailed-for-six-years-in-irelands-biggest-garlic-scam-yet/33524

    • henryhyde
      April 22, 2016 at 11:21 pm

      You are a fount of knowledge, Conrad! 😀

  2. April 19, 2016 at 8:26 pm

    Brilliant loving it 🙂

    • henryhyde
      April 19, 2016 at 8:28 pm

      Thank you!

  3. dexey
    April 19, 2016 at 6:02 pm

    That was funny. Thank you :0)

    • henryhyde
      April 19, 2016 at 6:09 pm

      Your welcome! 🙂

  4. Paul
    April 19, 2016 at 5:47 pm

    We’ve got half an acre of wild garlic…i’ll send some.

    • henryhyde
      April 19, 2016 at 5:51 pm

      Ah, the importation of Non-Grenouissian wild garlic is a troublesome business… 😀

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