April has hardly begun, but it seems the belligerents are keen to have at one another. First of all, we had reports of shots being fired in the bay north of Castell Sebastian, currently guarded by our wonderful cousins from Prunkland; and then late yesterday evening, rumours reached us of foreign horsemen tumbling across the border with Kap Ludwig/Cap del Dit del Pen on the opposite side of the bay to Castell Sebastian. The message was brought to us by a breathless courier, but it seems very clear that horsemen have been pushing along the coast, forcing back a contingent in the pay of Randy Raoul of Grenouisse. Quite where this will end up, we don’t yet know, but we shall of course keep you posted.
GELDERSTAAD GETTING GRUMPY?
There are rumours – and we’ve no idea who started them – that the cloggies over the border have been rolling their cheeses in anger, causing Randy Raoul no end of worries. Talk is that Pickled the one-arm is having to dash hither and thither, not sure where the enemy might be.
Meanwhile, our man in Donderminde has been scouring the coffee-houses, braving the whiff of waccy baccy, and has so far found nothing more warlike than a pile of Arabica beans and some round cheeses wrapped in red wax that wouldn’t make especially fearsome cannonballs.
In fact, from what we hear, the much-loved Colonel Groanagain of the Koffee Party is on a yacht somewhere in the southern oceans, with warfare being the last thing on his mind, being smeared with coconut oil by nubile maidens, by all accounts keeping his sabre safely sheathed. Phoarrr!
BANGING ON AGAIN
People living on the south-east coast of Granprix were woken with a start on the evening of 4th April when someone’s navy decided to stage a gunnery practice.
“I knew there was somethin’ goin’ on because it made the house shake,” said Mrs Toast, 46, of Vexillology Way, Galleda de les Escombraries near Cap Grumollós. “All of a sudden, like, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM and me hyacinth fell orf the mantelpiece. Gave me quite a turn, it did!”
The thunder-like noise and vibration, together with bright flashes of light, seemed to be coming from the direction of Castell Sebastian or Montaña Viejas to the south-east. Pedro Pescador, 72, of Virgins Terrace, who was visiting Mrs Toast at the time, added, “I reckon it was some kind of sea battle. I remember seein’ a few o’ those when I was a kid, and all that flashin’ and’ bangin’ were just like I remember.”
Our reporters have been unable to substantiate these reports, which appear to be widespread, of any kind of battle at sea, but if the reports be true, the Bahia Grumollós may well be hiding something big.
OO ERR, YER MAJESTY!
What an exciting week it has been! The weather has been scorching, and Mrs Carlotta of Fish Street, Toxaneros reports hearing the first cuckoo of the year. And talking of interlopers sitting on nests where they aren’t wanted, just where is King Raoul of Grenouisse, I hear you ask? Well, rumour has it that he’s been frequenting the pox-houses of Pescadrix with his slimy bedfellow, the Marquis de Cress. We’ve had our paparazzi painters pursuing him all week, and it certainly seems like he’s more interested in picking a peck of pickled pepper than issuing orders! Good job for him that he has the doughty General E Pickled in charge of the troops – even with one arm, he can wrangle with the best!
LORD PEELER GOES FOR A WALK
Over in Xipona, our fashion editor tells us that Lord Peeler, holder of the local award “Most Uncouth Visitor Ever”, has been rousing his boys out of their drunken stupor and appears to be preparing for departure. No doubt the local hostelries and whore-houses will protest, as their business has gone through the roof at the same rate as the town’s reputation has gone down the pan. The more genteel townsfolk will no doubt rejoice at having some peace and quiet again, and may even mourn the departure of Peeler’s allies from Hunmanby who have been much gentler with the local girls.